August 05, 2003 - 1:43 pm

water flowing from the depths of my soul bubles up like an underground spring. come, come and drink from me. fill yourself with my spirit. i will make you soar like an eagle. the fire that burns within me will light your way. the truth of your existance lies in the flames. become one with me. come and stand in the unquenchable fire. promise to be gentle and i'll give all of myself to you. all you have to say is that the fire will never die, and i will never doubt again. never has someone been this much a part of me.my sleepless nights are filled with visions of you. my heart cries out your name into the dark, but no one answers. the emptiness that echos from my heart is

filled by only you.

==

love,

ali

roberto,

like oceans breaking at the mountain tops, my love is hard to find. i hide in a cave of sorrows, my heart breaking with every passing minute. why can't i have my heart's desires? why can't i fulfill others' expectations. the perfection that i strive to obtain seems so far out of my grasp. wrap me up in a blanket of hope, and smother me in happiness. the pain in my heart is much too much to bear. i weep beyond control, my needs are never satisfied. as i sit here, the words flow from my mouth and i think i should erase them. on one should have to hear of my breaking heart or my disapointments, but yet they come. like a dam about to burst, i let it trickle out, hoping i can save myself before it's too late. what troubles me so you ask. it is life's heavy burdens that have been laid on my shoulders. the fact that i want to rule the world, but yet am still a puppet in someone's play. i am all dressed up with somewhere to go, and no one to take me. too many things constrain me, too many people want too much from me. i am empty, i have nothing left to give, and the one thing i want most...... is so far away from me.............

the christmas tree is coming down and the puppy has already turned into a dog. time passes me by leaving me so unsatisfied. please, stop these tears that flow from my eyes. tell me everything will be ok. whisper words of your deepest fantasy and tell me i'm not the only one who dreams. come and take me to the ball, so i don't have to settle for second best. i reach out for you and all i can hear ringing out in my ears are the voices saying 'keep singing your siren"s song. once he gets close enough it will be to late for him to realize that what you say isn't good enough, that you aren't pure enough. nothing could possibly be good enough for a god of words.' my heart breaks to know that what they say are true. i could never be good enough for a prince like you....and yet i call out your name into the darkness, and feel the flames burning my soul as i long to feel your touch. to be in your arms with our arms around each other and our hearts binded together with gold. please tell me the pain will stop, and promise to sweep me off my feet and take me away from the fridged world. let me live in the fire with you. let me breath in wisps of smoke. free me from this dungeon they have locked me in. let me fly with you.

==

love,

ali

Roberto,

i speak and u do not reply what have i done to fall out of your favor?

is the fire gone?

i can still feel the heat from the words that you spoke to me

they keep me warm at night

just the very thought of you makes me fall to my knees.

oh roberto where have you gone?

please come back to me.

i love you

==

love,

ali

trust,

please don't give up. i know what it's like to have reached the bottom and not be able to get up by your self. if there is anything i can do to help, just ask. i'd do anything for you. tell your mother you love her, and she means the world to you. tell her you couldn't live without her. it helps to know that somebody loves you. i'll pray for you and your family day and night.

==

love,

ali

how do you make a bleeding heart stop? what do you do when everything is falling down around you, when you're tired of standing up. give me the ok to give up. tell me that a knife in the wrist doesn't hurt near as much as living. tell me it's ok to give up. sometimes living just hurts too much. why does god make us play this game. maybe he forgives the things i do, but i can't.

==

love,

ali

once, many years ago now, you breathed fire in my lungs. i wrote with words of gold and dreamt of angel wings and broken halos. the beauty you painted in my world was like none i had seen before. the frescos you worked on my walls were blazingly brilliant, but now lie in watery graves, washed over by time and forgetfulness. i write now, to see if you still inspire girls to dream, to create, to be. i write to find a way to replenish the well you created in my heart, to see if things are better. you called yourself trust, and trust i did. i shared with you my soul and my heart. please, whisper the secrets of love in my ear. tell me where this road has taken you.

alexandra

I found an email that you sent me, and I had to know where your path had taken you. Did you still live and love with passion and fervor? Have the white sands of time buried your flame? Do you still dream? Yearn? Write? Breathe?

As for me, I am hardly a shadow of the girl I once was. In the past few years I’ve touched the stars and have started to make peace with my God. I’ve been out on the limb and I’ve learned how to fly. I climbed the mountains I came to and not just survived, but conquered them. I have accomplished so much that on the darkest nights I find myself questioning if I have reached my peak. I’ve done amazing things. How could I ever surpass them? But with age comes wisdom. And I’m starting to realize that there’s always something more. But, wisdom is wasted at times, for I still want to experience everything, to taste every fruit, to touch every apple, to experience every feeling.

Right now I’m in college and working. I’m taking 17 credits and have found myself in a job that most people make a career. It frightens me to think that I too would settle for desk with a computer. I moved down to Texas with my mother and my brother last month. I’m still not sure if it was the right thing to do. I guess it will be what I make out of it. I have become someone that I am proud of and I am happy with. I like the fact that I still dream big dreams and think that world is mine for the taking. Idealism is a lost art. I am still passionate about life, even more so now. It drives my creative tendencies and forces me to live with no regrets. I find it impossible to stay in the shallow waters. I plunge in headfirst just to feel the ocean catch me in its strong arms, to taste his salty lips. I run hard and gasp for breath, and love looking back to see how far I have come. I feel like I’m really doing something with my life and it brings me no end of satisfaction.

And how about you? Tell me how the trees have grown. Tell me of the seedling ideas you have fostered. I want to know what you did with your wings, your halo and your words of fire. Where have you planted your feet? And what of your travels? I ask these things blindly to a stranger.

alexandra

Struck down by the blinding beauty of your truth, I cannot think of a reply worthy of your audience. Naked, I cry tears of contrition into these barren hands. I am ashamed of the empty utterance I placed before you-so void of poetry and passion. And yet you offered back a piece of your soul. So hungry was I that I drank in every last drop and only then did I realize that I had taken without providing. My cheeks burn with hot humiliation as I can offer you nothing but an empty hand. My words are dull and listless, uninspired and used. Indecision crowns my head and fills my waking moments with questions for which I have no answers. My pen seems too heavy to lift for the very thought of falling below par turns its ink to languid gray and shadows my days with doubt. Am I to remain this wasteland, this desert, where new thoughts come to die? Or will I find in the soil of my being the brisk peppermint water with which to wash your feet? I search for an appropriate apology, but can’t materialize what I want to say. ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t mean enough, but ‘forgive me’ echoes through my ears.

On the surface I look unaffected, calm, serene, but each breath that enters my body entangles itself in my thoughts of you. Not a moment goes by that I don’t long to hear the soft resonance of your voice finding its way to my empty ears. My soul hungers for the waterfalls of your words. I want to stand naked as the pure water crashes down on my head, my shoulders, my hands. I want to feel you flowing through my fingers. I want to kiss you lips, to feel them brushing lightly against mine. I want to take your tongue in my mouth and savor the texture of your teeth. I need to touch you. I need to feel your flesh beneath my hands. I want to feel the rise and fall of your chest. I want to wrap myself deep in your scent and inhale you into my life. Deep in my belly I burn for you. Every atom in my body calls your name, invites you in. I want to possess you and to be possessed. I want my wild hair in your fingers and my mouth. I want to see the dark pools of energy in your eyes. I want to be the one you desire. Burn for me as I burn for you. Consume me. I write with desperate longing. To be in your arms, so strong and warm, is what I want. I want you.

=====

love,

ali

I just want a black night with no thoughts to cloud my head. I want these tears to stop marring my face. I want my heart to stop bleeding and my body to stop aching. I want to be whole again. I am broken and I cannot find the peices or their origin. I have lost myself in his sheets. I suffer the lacerations from the shards of my soul that lie in my bed. These endless nights bring me no peace. These tormented dreams bring me no answers. I wake in the morning with the same disquieting questions and scars that plague my heart. I gave more than I had to offer and he took without a second glance. In the aftermath of our adventure I cried in his arms. He held me and told me it wasn't my fault. I blamed myself for my fractured world, rightly as I should. It was I who spoke of America and he who hopped aboard. I knew that he had been there, and would bring me safely home. But amidst the foreign waters I brought the waves crashing upon our ship. We capsized with my tears and I drowned in his appologetic arms. He knew not why I cried, and could not understand my incoherent flood of words. With one last kiss and a long embrace he walked right out my door and I have been left in solitude to battle with my shaddow. My only solace was this adventurer, and now I stand alone. So a night of black thoughtlesness is all I ask. A night to forget this world. In the empty hands of God I make my bed and pray to sleep the whole night through.